The missing link for your ego.
Upload one photo. The sequencer reads it against 30 million years of primate lineage and matches you to your closest living relative — with paperwork.
Optical Phenotype Sequencing™, explained badly.
Real laboratories use pipettes. We use confidence. The instrument below walks your photo through four rigorous-sounding phases.
Photon capture
Your photo enters the instrument. Light bounces around importantly.
Optical phenotyping
Brow curiosity, grin geometry, and snack-radar amplitude are measured to four confident decimals.
Nonsense mathematics
A proprietary matrix multiplies your face by 30 million years. The units cancel. Somehow.
Lineage assignment
One of twelve reference specimens claims you. The paperwork is binding-ish.
It's not science. It's theatre with instruments.
The lineages you might descend from.
Bonobo
Pan paniscusSee specimen →
Common Chimpanzee
Pan troglodytesSee specimen →
Bornean Orangutan
Pongo pygmaeusSee specimen →
Western Gorilla
Gorilla gorillaSee specimen →
Mandrill
Mandrillus sphinxSee specimen →
Japanese Macaque
Macaca fuscataSee specimen →
Ring-tailed Lemur
Lemur cattaSee specimen →
Golden Snub-nosed Monkey
Rhinopithecus roxellanaSee specimen →
Proboscis Monkey
Nasalis larvatusSee specimen →
White-faced Capuchin
Cebus capucinusSee specimen →
Gelada
Theropithecus geladaSee specimen →
Pygmy Marmoset
Cebuella pygmaeaSee specimen →Insert face.
Receive truth.
The Optical Sequencer is warmed up and legally distinct from a medical device. First sequence free. No signup, no lab coat, no shame.
Open the sequencer →ANALYZED & NARRATED LIVE BY A FRONTIER VISION MODEL
The recently sequenced, in their own words.
“I always suspected. Now it's peer-reviewed-ish.”
R. AlvarezMATCHED BONOBO · 91.4%Award-winning, in the loosest sense.
Your first relative is free.
- One full primate lineage report
- Genetic-match percentage
- Genotype markers + trait meters
- Shareable result card
- Everything in the field sample
- Sequence family, friends, foes
- New markers + verdict each time
- Secure $1 checkout via Stripe
100% GENOME MAPPED VISITORS RECEIVE ONE SEQUENCE GRANT — SEE LAB PANEL
Ready to meet
your relative?
Gloriously, no. Apestry is a comedy tribute to consumer ancestry sites. We do not read your DNA, sequence anything, or possess a single lab coat. A vision model looks at your photo and, with great confidence, assigns you a monkey. The percentages are theatrical.
It's sent once to the AI model to generate your result, then discarded — we don't store your images or build a profile. Please upload photos you have the right to use, and keep it to humans (no, you cannot sequence your cat).
Your first family member is on the house so you can see the magic. Every sequence after that is one dollar — cheaper than a banana in most airports, and it keeps the sequencer's little lights on.
That's the entire point. Run yourself for free, then line up your parents, your partner, your suspiciously chimp-like coworker. Each additional specimen is $1.
It is exactly as real as everything else here. Your emergence date (month and day — we never ask the year) places you in one of twelve windows on our Emergence Calendar, each governed by a reference specimen, and the sequencer writes you a biorhythmic reading that is 100% positive and 0% predictive. Any resemblance to a horoscope is legally coincidental.
Not necessarily — the sequencer weighs expression, energy, and cosmic vibes, so different photos can surface different lineages. Some people contain multitudes. Mostly capuchins.